The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

(

I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear

" the rules"

From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon

or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem

only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are

Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the

other one

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did

NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not

A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it

will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..

Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball

or

golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Let's Say Thanks

Let's Say Thanks

Our Friend's 40th Birthday!

It was a blast!!!

My moment of fame!

Here is the link to the newscast where I made a breif appearance!

This link is the newscast where two of my good friends Michaela and Nicole were interviewed.

 

 

Jet Skis Aren't For Everyone

Great Story

In 1986, Mike Milligan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Tom were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Another Chinese toy recall

How cute!

AWE, it's a militant squirrel!

This Woman was Banned from the Nail Salon

The sickest thing I've seen in a while.  I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

this is the transcript

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.”

Free Coffee...What the hell

The New Bar!!!

It's done!!! The bar is built and decorated.... The 80's party will be in the apartment!

OMG It's gettin hot in herr!

Yes that is the main public library in downtown Cincinnati. I was sent this by a friend who captured this while walking in the downtown!

CHINESE VIRGINS

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the
sheets as her husband
undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next
to her and tries to
be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firs time
and you berry
frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you
want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?"
he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will
impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I
want try something I
hear about from other girl... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with Caurifrowa?"

If I could turn back time....

Start the cliché accompaniment using the Music Player to the right :)

Progression through time.... the first image is from oh like 1985 and the last picture is from my senior year of college 2002 and on to 2005. I look the same now!

Ok ok I'm reminiscing

Oh how the years go by...

2007 - 1998

WOW, look at those locks of hair!!!

Sorry the image isn't the best...it was taken from the TV screen, but wow I was 18 years old and looked about 15.... so now that I'm 28 I look about 18 right??!

Again start the cliché accompaniment using the Music Player to the right!

Betty! The cutest miniature greyhound ever.

Happy Birthday to me!

So as a gift to myself I started my new job yesterday (farewell AIG!) I miss 'lil Tina but AIG was really the worst company I've ever seen when it comes to management and organization. So now I call Macy's home. I work at the corporate offices (1/2 block away from home) in the risk mgmt. department. Anyway the card pictured above was on my desk this morning signed by all 5 department managers! At AIG we had to force the manager's to get involved w/our birthday fund and buy the cakes w/our money. My main boss bought cupcakes for the department today and no one had to contribute. Anyway, I hope I've found a place to stay for a while, because even though the people are great starting a new job SUCKS!!! Wish me luck1

-Jason

Our boys!

The boys are friends now and Gizmo was his nameO

This is why I heart Middletown

My friend Kelli sent me this today from Middeltown, Ohio. Yes that's a Geo Tracker with a Miller Lite umbrella trying to keep the rain out! How great is that!

Catholic Schoolgirls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St.Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"  The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line, girls are being shoved
and pushed. When the girl reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"  The girl replies, "If I'm going to  ave to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

The funniest 6 mins I've seen in quite a while

This is quite possibly one of the funniest clips I've seen.... definitely the funniest clip from Who's Line I've ever seen. It's 6 mins long but oh sooooo worth it!

Our new kitten! We may call him Gizmo that's undecided as of yet. Suggestions welcome!

A lesbo dog called diamond :-)

Family reunion

Family reunion in the Bahamas - $5,000

Family photograph made into Christmas cards at print shop - $100

Not noticing Waldo in the upper right corner - PRICELESS

For Everything Else . . . There's Mastercard.

And....HOW do you NOT notice the beach balls...???

Another terrorist captured....

The AIG Smile -- "I smile at my customers on the phone"

As of Monday May 7, 2007 all personnel will be expected to look happy at work. Rubber bands and paper clips will be provided at no cost.

* Workload getting to you?
* Feeling stressed?
* Too many Priority 1 assignments?

Here is the new low cost way to cope with multiple Priority 1 assignments!

Take 2 paperclips and rubber bands. Fig 1

Assemble them as shown on the picture. Fig. 2

Apply as shown in fig 3.

Enjoy your day.
This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of the day with a smile on your face!

READ first, then watch video it's hysterical

This is just so HILARIOUS, I had to forward it. Make sure you read
this first..


Read this before you watch it The more times you watch it the funnier it
becomes.

From a Dallas news broadcast. Watch the little critter, a small Desert
lizard, on the left side of the table. Remember the guy on the left is
concentrating on the snake the Other guy is holding.

This news guy will never live this down, that's for sure!
Then watch it a second time and listen closely to the sounds the News
caster makes!!
Too bad they didn't have a heart monitor on the guy!

Precious!

Um, yes this is an actual vehicle!

You have to enlarge this to believe it!

Click on the pic for larger view.

This is.....well....hilarious!

Inadvertent Flag Burning

http://www.wlwt.com/slideshow/weather/11515119/detail.html

 

Carew Tower during the storms last night, I saw this flash from my window at home, but I didn't know that the flag caught on fire, look at the slide show and see the glowing red flag pole on the top of the tower.  AWESOME!

Everyone should buy one of these...

Click Here to order!

*WARNING* This Post is NOT for the weak stomach!!!! SICKEST THING EVER!

*TAKEN FROM ROTTEN.COM - ANOTHER STUDENT IN MY TRAINING THIS WEEK MENTIONED THIS INCIDENT SO OF COURSE I HAD TO LOOK IT UP. APPARENTLY THERE IS A VIDEO TOO (LOOKING FOR IT) SO BRACE YOURSELF....


The rather shocking photo attached snapped in November 16th of last year by a spectator at the collegiate power lifting championships at Penn State. The unfortunate competitor, who expressed a plea to remain anonymous, remembered to surgeons that he was " stuck" at the bottom of a personal best attempt in the squat lift when he "sort of pulled his stomach in and pushed extra hard, at the same time as trying to complete the lift."

He remembers a loud popping, splattering noise then a fierce stabbing pain and then not being able to move from the squat position. He remained in this position for about half an hour, since trying to stand caused him overwhelming agonizing pain. Paramedics arrived and applied anesthesia on the spot and carried him to an ambulance. He was rushed to surgery, where surgeons described the trauma as an explosive and aggravated prolapse of the bowel". Meanwhile it was revealed that the weight was removed from his shoulders at the time of the incident by two "spotters" on either side of the lifter. The third spotter who was standing behind the lifter was unfortunately sprayed with fecal matter at the time of the incident. This spotter promptly fainted when he realized the extent of of the injury to the lifter, who was a personal friend.

This compounded the task of first aid officers who were at a loss as to how to treat the injury to the lifter in any case, who remained in the squatting position moaning in pain much to the consternation of the helpless audience. The hapless lifter had successful surgery to relieve the prolapse, but remained immobilized with his feet elevated in stirrups for 2 weeks to ensure "internal compliance with the surgery and that the organs retracted successfully".

To add insult to injury, the ex-lifter required rectal stitching to partially occlude the anal orifice and stitch the rectal passage (which had significantly expanded and torn during the prolapse) and also was put on a low fiber low residue diet to combat flatulence to avoid any possibility of a recurrence

Live long and prosper.

 

Ok I'm a total nerd! But this crazy woman stayed in complete character even when Teresa decided to go ape shit :)

Largest/Strongest Drink in Vegas!

 

This drink is called a 'Warp Core Breach' from the Star Trek Experience in the Las Vegas Hilton. Total size 44oz, 10 of which are various rums.

Does anyone else find this humorous?

 

World's largest golden nugget in the Golden Nugget casino in old Las Vegas.

VIVA LAS VEGAS!

Viva Las Vegas Baby!!!  I'm at the airport waiting to head to Las Vegas fro 3 weeks for work.  Hopefully I'll strike it big!!!!  Wish me luck.

Photo Album for Chloe

Chloe's First Day

Somebody love's his little sister!

Big brother Luke!

More Chloe....

SHE'S SO DARN CUTE!!!

New addition to the family...

My niece Chloe was born this morning around 1:30am, I'm an uncle again!!!!

I think you're the father of one of my kids...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee

The following is one of those forwards that are good enough to share:
 

This is SO TRUE!!

The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the Jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

 

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about... I JUST DID

Monster jam